


Lonely Press Play

by paralyticdreamer



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, dan is depressed and tries desperately to isolate himself, dan’s music taste is essentially my own but with some subtractions, some sort of music-based fic that spans over many months, the chapters vary in length annoyingly soz, the song the fic is named after is such a pretty song btw, you should definitely listen to all of the songs mentioned as i love them so much :)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-02-19 02:16:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22570330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paralyticdreamer/pseuds/paralyticdreamer
Summary: “When I’m lonely, I press play.”Or the one where Dan copes with his loneliness by listening to music.ON HOLD UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
Relationships: Dan Howell & Chris Kendall & Phil Lester & PJ Liguori, Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	1. Swimming in Blue

**Author's Note:**

> i’m going for me posting a chapter per week if possible lolol

“ _In the darkness, before the dawn._ _In the swirling of the storm.”_

Dan lied in the middle of the field with his knees bent and his arms crossed over his chest. He could see people sat in groups as they enjoyed the warm May weather. The girls wore spaghetti-strap tank tops under their uniform blouses in order to achieve the perfect tan, and the boys discarded the blazers altogether.

There were five minutes left of free period. Dan never felt comfortable with taking off the blazer, even if it was as warm as it had been as of recently. So he lied there, beads of sweat sliding down his forehead. He wiped them away with his sleeve and more took their place.

You see, to Dan it was a matter of life and death—death, essentially, was the tearing down of the wall he built so no one saw his arms or torso. Life was being hot, just until he walked through the door to his bedroom. Life was letting absolutely no one tear down the metaphorical wall that kept him safe.

“ _Leave a light, a light on._ _Leave a light, a light on.”_

Dan listened intently as Chris Martin’s voice soothed him.

Music was Dan’s saviour, in the sense that he could dive into a world that was his, and his alone. A world without mental exhaustion; a world which held the voices of Damon Albarn, Matt Belamy, Thom Yorke and all of the others stored on his iPhone.

Dan sat up as he saw everyone else begin to stand, sensing the end of free period. Free period was Dan’s favourite, because it meant that he was free to go home once it ended.

As Dan walked, more songs played, which meant he was all but zoned out as he walked home.

“D _isarm you with a smile, and cut you like you want me to_.”

Dan kicked a pebble and he watched as it skipped across the asphalt a few inches in his path. This was a normal routine: music, kick a pebble, get home. It hadn’t differed in the three years he’d been allowed to walk home. He’d just begun Year 9 when his mum had agreed to let him walk home, even though he’d just turned fourteen.

She’d said it was for his safety, since he was what she and everyone else referred to as a  loner.  Dan had never liked that word, especially when it was used as an adjective to describe him.

“ _I used to be a little boy._ _So old, in my shoes_.”

Dan pulled his iPhone from the pocket of his trousers and set the song to repeat, then turned the volume up to a deafening high and closed his eyes for a moment.

“ _And what I choose is my choice._ _What’s a boy supposed to do?_ ”

This song was melancholic, and melancholy was Dan’s absolute favourite word.

Someone tapped on his shoulder, so his eyes shot open in surprise and he pulled a bud out of his ear.

“What?” he croaked due to not speaking much, if at all. He turned to face a cheery-eyed boy—one whom he’d seen many times before now. This was Phil Lester, seemingly the most happy person Dan had the unfortunate privilege to speak with quite a few times.

“Oh, it’s  _you_ ,” he said, narrowing his eyes. Phil looked at him with an unknown glint in his bright eyes.

“You both look  _and_ sound bummed,” Phil noted and Dan shrugged. “I am. Are you not surprised?” he asked and Phil shook his head. “I suppose not,” he decided.

Before Dan could resume listening to his music, Phil piped up with a question Dan felt was abnormally idiotic.

“What are you listening to?” he asked and Dan groaned. “Same thing I always listen to, Phil. What else would I be listening to?” he said.

“A podcast on the importance of bees?” Phil suggested and Dan shook his head. “No.”

And he continued to walk, much to the annoyance of Phil.

“ _The killer in me is the killer in you._ _I send this smile over to you.”_

He ran to catch up with the boy who was at least several feet ahead and when he had, the brunette glared at him. “What do you want?” he asked, annoyed.

“Why are you so quiet and distant?” Phil asked and Dan rolled his eyes. “I always am, and I always will be. Why?” he asked, intrigued. Why was Phil Lester so  _interested_ in his lack of communication?

“I’m just worried about you. Have you seen that show about the girl who committed suicide? She was really sad before she died,” Phil said Dan shrugged.

“I’m not going to die, Phil. I doubt I’d even be able to with you clinging to me at all times,” Dan replied, shrugging Phil away.

Phil scoffed. “I don’t cling. I’m not cling film. I’m just trying to be a good friend,” he said.

“We’re not friends. I don’t even like you.”

Phil ignored the last part and smiled. “Well… we are acquaintances, are we not?” he asked and Dan shrugged. “Let me think…  _maybe_ . But that’s all we are. Do not think you get to visit whenever you want like you always do. My mum’s getting concerned.”

Phil nodded. “Got it. Acquaintances, can’t visit whenever I want. Crystal clear.”

Dan let out a sigh of relief. “And just because your mum comes over for tea doesn’t mean you can do the same,” he stated.

“I don’t even like tea.”

Dan scoffed. What British person didn’t like tea? Technically, Dan didn’t either, but it was still strange.

As Dan walked up the steps to his house, he watched as Phil did the same across the street.

God, Phil annoyed Dan, so damn much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned:  
> midnight - coldplay  
> disarm - smashing pumpkins


	2. Arrhythmia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> arrythmia is also known as an irregular heartbeat

_“Pick it, pick it all up. And start again.”_

Dan dropped two of the blue pills into his hand as he hummed along with the track that had begun to play. He washed them down with a glass of room-temperature water and sighed. The tears he’d hoped to prevent freely cascaded down his face and dripped into the sink, making no sound as they did so.

He’d decided how much of a mess he was a long time ago—more specifically, a year prior, which had been the last time he’d spoken to Phil Lester. After graduation, the two had gone their separate ways; Phil, to University and Dan, to a flat in London. Which was where he sat now as he cried silently.

_ “You’ve got a warm heart, you’ve got a beautiful brain. But it’s disintegrating.” _

Dan shuddered as he choked out more of the pathetic sobs, falling to the ground swiftly as he tried desperately to stop them—to stop the constant choked cries he was emitting.

_ “From all the medicine.” _

Why had his life gone to shit, so quickly? Why hadn’t he had the ability to make friends, and why did he push away the one person who had tried to be his friend?

He shuddered as the final sob he’d been capable of left his throat, leaving nothing but silent tears and dry heaving as he wondered how he was going to get through this. The years prior had been nothing but a mess, one he’d created as a means to isolate himself and prevent getting too attached to anyone. Especially Phil Lester, who he _definitely_ did not want to get attached to.

_ “We could do so much better than this. Emotionally in fences and momentary bliss.” _

Dan forcefully closed the door to the bathroom and lied on the plain leather sofa face-first. The  _Spotify_ playlist that had been playing for hours changed to a much quicker-paced, less calming song, which Dan found that he enjoyed as much as the melancholy that was nearly half of his music taste.

Due to the jumbled mess that was his head, he’d ultimately made the decision to try and contact Phil. But how? He didn’t even have Phil’s number, let alone any of his usernames on any given social media platform.There was always Facebook, and they were friends on it, but there was on problem: Phil never used Facebook anymore, so the chances of him using Messenger (let alone seeing a message) were slim to none.

Still, Dan risked it, typing out a simple, ‘ _hey’_ in all lowercase.

After a few minutes of staring at his phone screen, he gave up all hope of lifting the weight from his chest and locked his phone.

“ We could do so much better than _this. Perfect little pictures of moments that we missed.”_

Time flew by quite swiftly and the next morning, Dan awoke to a message which made him begin crying all over again. But these were happy tears.

It was a message from Phil, mimicking his own message, but with a capital letter instead. It had been sent hours earlier, some time around midnight when Dan had been asleep. 

He quickly responded with an apology, stating that he’d been asleep at the time the message was sent, then another message followed it explaining that he always went to sleep before ten pm.

His phone was locked again and it stayed that way for the rest of the day, and an entire forty-eight hours after.

Phil didn’t respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned:  
> medicine - daughter  
> momentary bliss (feat. slowthai & slaves) - gorillaz


	3. Accepting That You Live With Uncertainty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk why the end notes for chapter 1 are at the end of the last chapter as well. if someone could help me fix this, that would be fantastic

Dan was twenty, an age he used to be excited about but now it was dreaded. Being twenty meant no longer being a teenager, and not being a teenager meant no longer having that as an excuse. He could no longer use the fact that he was a teenager as an excuse as to why he didn’t have a job.

Youtube paid very little, despite the ads that ran on his videos. Sponsored videos were worthless, even though he’d done a few.

“ _Oh brother I can’t, I can’t believe it’s true. I’m so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you.”_

Dan had stopped messaging Phil after his twentieth birthday, seeing as the latter hadn’t responded. Well, there had been  one reply, saying that Phil was busy with an online thing and to stop messaging.

So he had. He’d deleted the messages, then proceeded to delete the Messenger app entirely. Yeah, it may have been a bit spiteful.

“ _Are you lost or incomplete? Do you feel like a puzzle, you can’t find your missing piece.”_

Dan was on his way to some sort of American convention, his first one being invited to as a featured creator. His popularity had increased exponentially for some reason; his videos now got quite a few views and his subscriber-count shot up rapidly, going from one thousand to one-hundred thousand in a matter of months.

It had been VidCon if he remembered correctly, and by looking at his badge, he saw that his suspicions were indeed correct. He was arriving at the venue early, along with the other featured creators, to go over various things and explore.

Dan cringed at the amount of people walking around, waiting to go inside. It made his anxiety shoot up, fear filling every one of his senses as he made his way through the crowd just as the doors were being opened. 

There were people he recognized, and others he didn’t. The people he recognized were all occupied in their own conversations, so being the constantly anxious human being he was, he readily avoided all of them and shied away from any eye contact.

Eventually he found an area away from them all and sat with his back against the wall as he closed his eyes, taking a shaky breath. He knew he shouldn’t’ve agreed to this, and regretted his decision to fly to California as soon as he stepped into his hotel room. He regretted it as soon as he knew that Phil would also be attending.

Dan had discovered it as he read the listing of creators attending that year’s VidCon; he’d seen Phil’s channel name near the top, alongside a photo of his channel icon. Among the others were Jenna Marbles, KickThePj, crabstickz and many more.

Dan had kept the screen with Phil’s face and username plastered onto his laptop for quite some time, until his eyes began to burn from staring at it for too long.

He continued to sit, the Apple headphones that were ever-so-uncomfortable in his ears as he listened to music.

“ _My hands are broken. And time is going on and on. It goes forever_.”

It was then that he saw him, conversing with Pj Liguori and Chris Kendall. Dan watched as Phil laughed at something Chris said, as if they’d been friends for ages—which was likely.

Suddenly they were walking in his direction. Dan got to his feet and attempted to leave, but as the universe most likely despised him, Pj left the trio and hurried over to join him. He pulled one of the headphones out.

“Dan, right?” he asked and Dan nodded. “Apparently so, if it’s what my badge says,” he said, holding it up, and Pj chuckled. “Aha, you’re actually funny, unlike Chris over there,” he said, gesturing to where the aforementioned stood with Phil.

“Probably not. Have you seen his videos? They’re funny as he’s quite a funny guy,” Dan tried and Pj shook his head. “Nah mate, your video about procrastination gave me quite the laugh,” he said and Dan laughed awkwardly.

“It’s great to know that my problems are hilarious,” he joked. “But they aren’t as creative as yours are. Just boring, really.”

This made Pj scoff. “Nonsense– don’t ever call your videos boring. Someday you’ll have millions of people laughing at them and not finding them boring whatsoever,” he said and this time it was Dan’s turn to scoff at the idea. Not a single person would ever come to enjoy his videos, no matter if the quality improved or his camera anxiety decreased. He’d decided it when he hit ten thousand subscribers. And there definitely wouldn’t be millions of people watching his videos in the future.

“ _Promise me you’ll try. To leave it all behind_.”

Sensing his social anxiety and claustrophobia becoming more prominent due to the ever-growing crowd of people, Dan excused himself and ran towards the bathroom feeling violently ill.

As he entered a stall and slammed the door shut, he let out choked sobs. There was no way in hell he’d be able to make it three days. Panel or not, he wanted to go home and be somewhere safe; some place he knew well enough to not elicit these reactions. And crowds of people, along with the fear of public speaking and general social anxiety, elicited some sort of reaction that left Dan incapable of acting  _normal_ .

Being in these situations left Dan incapable of breathing properly, made him ill, gave him headaches and made him cry rather violently.

_“‘Cause I’ve elected hell, lying to myself. Why have I gone blind? Live another life.”_

A sudden knock made him yelp in surprise, the single syllable forced out roughly due to the choked sobs he’d been emitting.

“Dan?” a soft, yet painfully familiar voice called and Dan fought the urge to cry harder.

“What?” he forced out, the word sounding much angrier and more annoyed than intended.

“I came to see if you were okay. I knew you had panic attacks, but I didn’t know that they were  _this_ bad.”

The words came out much more gently than Dan’s own response had, but he said nothing. Instead, he opened the door and for the first time in three years, his eyes met with Phil’s. It sent a weird feeling down his spine.

“It’s more than just panic attacks. It’s being alone, but the panic attacks amplify the feeling of being alone,” he said softly, sitting against a wall and putting his head in his knees. Even though he’d stopped crying, the warm liquid of leftover tears still soaked through his jeans.

Dan sighed shakily as Phil sat next to him and put a hand on his knee gently. He looked up, his eyes looking somewhere past the noir-haired male.

“You know what the worst part is? It’s that there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t just fix it and make myself not be alone,” he said and put his chin on his knees.

Phil had no idea what to think, nor what to say. Dan was much different than he portrayed himself to be online, and seemed somehow worse than he’d been when they were teenagers.

That Dan had been more melancholic and isolated himself, what one would call an introvert on steroids. This Dan had awful panic attacks and put on a mask whenever he was out in public or on a screen.

Phil didn’t know anything about Dan, he realised, other than what was shown to the world. That, and he was well aware of the constant panic and now, the tears.

“Do you know if there was anything that sort of brought on the worse attacks?” Phil asked and Dan shrugged. “I don’t– I don’t really know,” he said, but he knew how bad of a lie it was.

The panic attacks had gotten worse when he’d developed some sort of feelings for Phil. Dan would see him in the corridors, laughing with his friends, and sometimes forget how to breathe whenever he saw Phil’s bright blue eyes.

They reminded Dan of the ocean when it was bathed in sunlight, sparkling with bits of yellow and green. He couldn’t help it; he’d officially fallen in love and it was too late.

He’d been too late this time as well, judging by the harsh message he’d received. And he would continue to be too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned:  
> talk - coldplay  
> you - breaking benjamin


	4. “If you’re lonely, press play.”

_“Slip inside the eye of your mind. Don’t you know you might find, a better place to play?_ ”

Dan had made plans to meet up with Phil for coffee, but the entire time he waited, his anxiety skyrocketed. What if he didn’t show? What if he’d decided not to actually come, and left Dan feeling like an idiot?

Phil was thirty minutes late, and Dan sighed shakily. He felt cheated—lied to, even. This is what he’d worried about when agreeing to be friends with Phil, being stood up.

“ _So I’ll start a revolution from my bed. ‘Cause you said the brains I had went to my head._ ”

Suddenly Phil came bursting through the door to the coffee shop and Dan sighed in relief. He hadn’t been stood up after all.

“Sorry I’m late,” Phil apologised. “I couldn’t find my train card so I had to take the next tube.”

Dan shook his head. “No, it’s fine. I might have actually been a bit early,” he decided.

Phil raised a brow. “We were supposed to meet at one. It’s half-one now,” he said and Dan felt his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. “Like I said, it’s fine.”

Phil let out a sigh. “Dan, you can tell me when something’s wrong, remember? I told you that,” he said.

“Fine, it wasn’t _fine_. I thought you stood me up, alright? I figured you decided not to come because I’m too much to handle. There, is that the response you wanted?” he said and Phil sighed.

“Why would you think I wouldn’t come?” he asked and Dan frowned. “Because I’m used to it. I’m used to being abandoned, and to people not doing what they say they’ll do. It’s happened before, and it’s inevitable that it’ll happen again,” he stated.

“ _Step outside, summertime’s in bloom. Step up beside the fireplace, take that look from off your face. You ain’t ever gonna burn my heart out._ ”

“Dan, listen to me. Everyone else might’ve abandoned you, but I promise you that I’ll never abandon you,” Phil said and Dan gave him a soft smile.

“Thank you.”

“ _I see a mountain at my gates. I see it more and more each day_.”

They sat in the living room in Dan’s apartment, a rerun of Friends playing in the background as they made idle conversation. Dan lied on the sofa while Phil sat in an armchair.

“You seem to like music a lot. Rely on it, even,” Phil noted and Dan hummed in response. “It’s the only thing that keeps me sane when I have my panic attacks, or whenever I feel like I’m going to have one,” he explained softly, as if it were a secret to be kept from everyone but himself. In a sense, it was.

“ _Oh, give me some time. Show me a foothold for which I could climb.”_

“Also,” Dan continued. “I listen to music when I’m lonely. My life motto is actually ‘if you’re lonely, press play’.”

“Did you get that from a song?” Phil asked and Dan nodded.

“One of my favourites, actually,” he replied.

Phil chuckled. “I’d ask about your music taste, but from what I hear it’s very confusing and vast,” he said and Dan shrugged. “Vast and confusing. Never heard it put that way.”

It was silent for a moment.

“We should collab,” Phil said suddenly and Dan sat up. “Why?” he asked and Phil shrugged. “Dunno. There are bunches of people who want us to collab. They’re always like, ‘ _DM danisnotonfire and collab_ ’,” he said.

Now that Phil mentioned it, he’d been through something similar. People would reply to his tweets asking him to collab with Phil. As if it were a life or death situation. But as they hadn’t spoken in months when it happened, Dan had brushed it off.

He scrolled through Twitter until he found what he was looking for. “Dan, please collab with AmazingPhil. Dan, we need a collab involving you and AmazingPhil. Please Dan, collab with AmazingPhil,” he read off and Phil doubled over in a fit of laughter.

“I’m so glad I’m not the only one who was being bombarded with collab requests,” he said.

“So a collab?” Dan suggested and Phil shrugged. “Might as well. But you wanna know what’ll make them go absolutely mad? A selfie,” he said, a smirk playing on his lips.

“Phil Lester, you absolute madlad.”

They took the selfie and posted it to Dan’s Instagram account, then watched as all hell broke loose. It even caused the app to kick Dan out. “Jesus Christ,” he muttered and reopened the app. The comments on the photo were filled with capital letters and various emojis.

Phil was busy scrolling through the comments himself. “I never knew there were so many keyboard smashes and ways to say ‘OMG’,” he said before locking his phone screen.

“What should our collab be?” Dan asked. “A Q&A?” Phil asked and Dan shrugged. “Easy enough, but kind of… oh, I don’t know, boring. We’d have to spice it up if we were to do one,” he suggested.

“I’m intrigued. Spice it up how?” Phil asked. “Maybe… remember the whole cat whisker-thing you used to do in primary school?” Dan said and Phil groaned. “Ugh, don’t remind me,” he whined. “I wore them on my face every day for an entire week and nobody told me that it was weird,” he said, scoffing at the memory.

“I didn’t think it was weird…” Dan said quietly enough for Phil not to hear, and it seemed to’ve worked. “Why did you bring it up anyhow?” Phil asked. “I was thinking, how about we do the Q&A with cat whiskers on our faces and we take turns answering the questions?” Dan suggested.

“I like it. I mean, it’s different. I’ve never seen anyone else draw whiskers on their face for a video – except for maybe Jenna Marbles,” Phil said.

“It could be our thing as well if we continue to collab,” Dan said. “I don’t see why we wouldn’t collab more, honestly. We’re friends, after all.”

“ _Yeah, when I feel low. You show me the sign post to where I should go.”_

It was official. Dan and Phil would collab.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned:  
> don’t look back in anger - oasis  
> mountain at my gates - foals


	5. Right Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> contains mentions of a previous suicide attempt, and is different compared to how dan said it happened

Their collab had been a massive success, and people were beyond overjoyed – especially the video title, which combined their two channel names.

They sat in Dan’s flat and ate lunch – Chinese takeout – as they discussed future collabs. Music played quietly in the background as Dan got more acquainted with Phil’s music taste.

“ _Is it a race or a chase? It’s a difficult one. You’re running faster and further away, oh are you trying to keep up?_ ”

“So, along with more Q&As, what else are you thinking we do?” Phil asked, typing on his laptop, and Dan shrugged. “No idea,” he said and used his chopsticks to pick up some chow mein.

“What about…” Phil began, then ate part of an egg roll. “What about gaming? I mean, it’s popular at the moment, so why not,” he suggested and Dan shrugged. He was so indecisive, truthfully.

“ _Sticks and stones have left you alone, and all your words will soon desert you. Are you waiting?_ ”

“As in an entire channel dedicated to it, or just a video or two?” Dan asked. “Either one, though, a dedicated channel would surely be the better option,” Phil decided. Dan nodded. “Fine, gaming channel it is. But what’ll it be called?” he asked.

“Let’s go as basic as possible,” Phil decided. “DanAndPhilGAMES?” Dan suggested and Phil frowned. “Why not PhilAndDanGAMES?” he asked and Dan inwardly cringed. Phil and Dan sounded off, like it wasn’t meant to exist in that phrasing.

“Phil, you literally have a degree in English and Linguistics. How do you not see a problem with ‘Phil and Dan’?” Dan asked.

Phil thought for a moment before shrugging. “Nope, don’t see a problem,” he decided. “Phil, I will cry because of your lack of grammar. You deserve no grammar rights whatsoever,” Dan stated and Phil threw a cushion at him. 

“ _There is no time for wasting any time, this is the end of the line._ ”

“Phil… I, uh, have something to tell you,” Dan said and suddenly his stomach began to twist. He felt ill at the idea of mentioning it, but he knew he had to.

“Yeah, Dan, what is it?” Phil asked, his voice going softer. “Um – god, this is difficult – I… well, it’s actually a funny story, really. Remember when you asked me about my panic attacks and I told you that I didn’t know why they’d gotten worse? Well, I lied,” Dan explained.

“Dan, I already knew you were lying,” Phil said and Dan’s eyes widened. “Wait, really?” he asked, eliciting a nod from Phil. “Yeah, you get all fidgety when you lie,” he said and Dan’s cheeks became dusted with pink.

“ _A definite sign of what we will be. Someday._ ”

Dan sighed. It was now or never. He had no choice but to tell Phil since he’d brought it up in the first place. “The real reason they got worse is because I kinda-sorta-maybe began to feel…”

That feeling was there again. It ran down his spine, and one look at Phil gave him goosebumps. “I began to… develop a crush on you but since we didn’t talk anymore, I started to have awful panic attacks. They’d last for hours, and I’d sometimes even fall asleep while I had one. Falling asleep as you shake while feeling like the room is spinning and you feel ill and like you can’t breathe is the worst thing ever,” he said and suddenly Phil sighed in relief.

Dan was appalled. He’d spilled everything onto Phil and the latter’s response was to _sigh_?

“Why did you do that?” he asked. “I’m just so relieved, because I thought you hated me,” Phil said.

“Oh no, I used to hate you. Then I didn’t. There’s a massive difference,” Dan said and Phil scoffed. “If you stopped hating me, then why did you never try to talk to me again before you messaged me on Facebook?” he asked and Dan narrowed his eyes.

“You try walking up to the person you have a crush on and striking up a casual conversation,” he said. Phil scoffed. “I _did_ , but you either ignored me or got annoyed by me,” he said.

The realization hit Dan like a tonne of bricks, right in the head, threatening to knock him out. “ _Oh_ ,” he said quietly. He felt his heart begin to beat faster and his stomach began to churn. “I’m sorry,” he said, louder this time. Before Phil had a chance to react, Dan sighed.

“I was – and will continue to be, no doubt – the _biggest_ idiot. I can’t even–”

Dan sighed, a lump in his throat causing it to sound shaky. “I wanted to get _one_ thing in my life right, just one. But I couldn’t.”

“ _Rather be a bandit than a lover. Rather be a man with the other. To run the mountain down, run it down._ ”

“Dan, if this is about–” Phil began, but was cut off. “It’s about more than just me being an awful person to you. It’s about me being awful in general. And what happened when I was eighteen. I… I wanted to get out, to leave. It was right around the time I’d started having a crush on you. By then I figured it was too late to do anything about it. We’d stopped talking, and I was alone again. So I just… Phil, it was awful, really. I wanted a way out, so I tried. I tried, and I failed, just like I fail everything else.”

Phil covered his mouth in horror. He knew what Dan was talking about, and didn’t want to hear it out loud. The word was awful, and the implication that Dan had tried to do it – Phil didn’t want to think about it, or how it was done. The thought alone made him feel sick.

“ _You are airborne. You’ve got silver rays. Will it ever float? Will it ever soar, along._ ”

“Dan, oh my god, I– please promise me that you’ll never try it again. I swear, I don’t know what the hell I’d do if I lost you,” Phil said, fighting back the tears that were so close to forming and falling. He knew that he shouldn’t’ve been the one to almost cry, but he couldn’t help it. The topic of suicide was difficult for him to handle, and to think Dan had attempted it made his heart ache in the most painful way.

Dan gave Phil a soft smile. “Phil, you don’t have to worry. I’m okay, I swear. Hold on–” he said and walked into the bathroom, grabbing the box of antidepressants.

Phil looked up at him as he returned, his eyes glued to the box. “See? I take these to prevent anything like that from happening again. My therapist prescribed them to me. She said they were also supposed to help with panic attacks, and if they didn’t to go back and see her,” Dan said, a frown tugging the corners of his mouth down harshly.

“They don’t, though, do they?”

“Not in the slightest.”

It was silent – an awkward silence, which filled the air around them sloppily. “Can we just change the subject please? I don’t like talking about this.”

Phil nodded in agreement. He wasn’t fond of the topic either. “What do you want to talk about, then?” he asked. 

“Probably that crush you had on me,” Dan suggested.

“Have,” Phil corrected. “And we can have the same conversation regarding _your_ crush,” he stated and Dan scoffed. “No no no, you first. Then _maybe_ we can talk about mine,” he said.

“Nuh-uh, no-can-do. Either we talk about yours, or we don’t talk about mine,” Phil stated and Dan groaned. “ _Fine_. I wanna know why you have a crush on me. I’m not deserving of it,” he said.

“Dan Howell, I will slap you. Of course you are, you numpty. No one is more deserving than you,” Phil said. 

“Phil, I can see your nose growing. AmazingPhil? More like AmazingPinocchio,” Dan said. Phil narrowed his eyes. “If anything, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve for you to have a crush on me,” he said.

“That’s not true,” Dan mumbled. “You’re deserving of all sorts of stuff. You deserve the world, then entire galaxy and the universe beyond that. Nothing less,” he decided.

“You’re too kind for your own good,” Phil said.

“Except when I’m not.”

“Stop that,” Phil said and Dan shrugged. “I will not. I was a total ass to you, and I’ll never forgive myself no matter how many times you tell me how okay it is.”

“And I’ll keep telling you that it’s okay, until I take my last breath,” Phil said. “So you really think we’ll be in each other’s lives until then?” Dan asked.

Phil nodded. “Quite sure. We’ll be old and have grey hair and be sitting in a care home as roommates, probably arguing over who’ll win at Halo,” he said.

“Obviously me,” Dan declared and Phil smirked. “Oh, really?” he asked and Dan nodded. “ _Obviously_. Have you seen me play? I’m practically a pro and could go play at an ESports event,” he said.

“Welp, that’s a gaming video idea,” Phil said.

They didn’t speak of the crushes much more, which Dan was okay with. And he would be okay with Phil leaning into his shoulder, or their hands fitting perfectly together as they watched a film. Because that was how it was supposed to be, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned:  
> someday - two door cinema club  
> feather - little dragon


	6. After New Year, Into The Mirror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe i forgot this book existed

“ _ If I could fly, I’d be coming right back home to you. _ ”

Dan sat on his laptop, his Youtube analytics on the screen in front of him. Phil sat next to him, and was quite intrigued by the information.

“Up forty subscribers in the last hour. Can you believe it, Phil? And you–”

Dan clicked over to another tab, where Phil’s analytics sat. “–you’re up by twice that much in that amount of time. Isn’t that incredible?”

Dan’s words were laced with excitement, for himself and for Phil – especially since he knew how much Phil deserved it after he’d recently had just under a million subscribers.

“ _ I think I might give up everything, just ask me to. _ ”

“We should celebrate,” Dan decided, before getting up and leaving his bedroom. “Celebrate? Dan, ninety subscribers in an hour is nothing to celebrate,” Phil said and Dan scoffed. “ _ Nothing to celebrate _ ? Really, Phil? Of course it is, you spork. That’s like, one-point-five subscribers per minute. Mine’s like point-six per minute. Way less, therefore less important,” he decided and proceeded to walk into the kitchen, hitting his head on the glass door and saying ‘mother of fuck!’ in the process.

They doubted they’d ever get use to the glass door, despite having lived there for a year.

“ _ For your eyes only, I show you my heart. For when you’re lonely, and forget who you are. _ ”

A bottle of ribena and two glasses were retrieved from the cabinets, and Dan poured an equal amount into each one before handing one of the glasses to Phil.

“Dan, we don’t need to celebrate,” Phil said, taking a sip of the drink. “Like I said before, of course we do. It’s not every day there’s a ninety-subscriber spike in your subscriber-count. You know, unless you’re PewDiePie.”

Dan took a sip of his own drink before walking into the lounge and sitting on the sofa. “Dan, your ass is gonna be glued to that sofa soon, and eventually you won’t be able to stand up,” Phil said as he entered the room.

“Oh no, I’ll have to film all of my videos from a comfortable spot. What  _ ever _ will I do?” Dan whined, faux-fear on his face and in his words. “Who says I’ll supply you with your camera and laptop?” Phil asked and Dan narrowed his eyes.

“But I thought you loved me, Phil. I am hurt,” Dan said, putting his hand over his heart. “I  _ do _ , but I will not aid you in your effort to be permanently lazy,” Phil decided and Dan scoffed. “Ugh, fine, I won’t let my ass get glued to the sofa.”

“ _ I’m missing half of me, when we’re apart. But now you know me, for your eyes only. _ ”

Dan walked around the apartment, humming to himself. He couldn’t believe they’d decided to start a new series on the gaming channel. The Sims 4 had been Phil’s idea, but the decision to create a single Sim rather than two separate Sims had been all Dan’s idea.

Still, of all the names they had to choose from, Dil was the most superior, honestly. Dil Howlter. They’d almost gone with Phan-something, but they knew it would drive every one of their subscribers mad.

You see, after the collab, Dan had see a very noticeable spike in fanfiction about him and Phil. Before, there were probably ten separate pieces of fiction. Now, they even had their own Tumblr tag. It was filled to the brim with fanfiction, fan art, edits and so much more.

“ _ I’ve gotta get over, I’ve gotta get over. I’ve gotta get better, and love you forever. _ ”

Phil was down to get the PostMates order, as he usually was, which meant Dan had the apartment to himself for roughly five minutes. One could do a lot in five minutes, such as overthink – which is what Dan did. He overthought everything, from the possibility of a meteor crashing into the apartment and killing Phil (which was his worst fear), to him dying forgotten, and everything in between.

“ _ Where is the magic? You gotta get better. Oh lord give me magic, and live here forever. _ ”

Phil returned, carrying grocery bags filled with food. “A little help here?” he said, straining as he struggled with the bags. Dan rushed over and removed some of the bags from Phil’s arms.

“Thanks,” he said, sighing in relief and Dan nodded. “Of course. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I weren’t helpful?” he asked.

“A horrible one.”

Dan laughed softly as he began to put the groceries away, then checked out the window and looked up at the sky. Nope, no meteor. He would cease his worrying yet another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned:  
> if i could fly - one direction  
> caramel - blur

**Author's Note:**

> songs mentioned:  
> midnight - coldplay  
> disarm - smashing pumpkins


End file.
